Christmas musings I think | Rudi Alcott

Here are a few things I think about Christmas.

• When did Christmas become a season of asking? I thought it was a season of giving. I think I’ll rename it a season of fleecing. It’s a brave new world out there. People invite you to a party and ask that you donate to their charity — after you are there. My kids give me a list of their Christmas needs on Facebook. I suggested they text it. Too many wasted key strokes with Facebook. Wouldn’t want to put them out. I want a fleece shirt for Christmas to protect me from all of the fleecing. I’m making a statement.

• I have never seen the early 1980s flick “A Christmas Story.” All I know is that every year I have to listen to my wife mention that she wants some leg lamp and the boys want some Red Ryder BB gun. Perhaps to shoot the lamp with. I don’t know and I don’t care. If I’m going to watch a classic flick, it’s going to be “Hoosiers” or “Rudy.” Now those are good Christmas stories.

• Straight No Chaser is the best Christmas music on the planet. Their renditions of “The 12 Days of Christmas” and “The Christmas Can-Can” are spot on. Following closely is the “12 Pains of Christmas.” Look it up on YouTube. When you can include Archie Bunker and hanging Christmas lights in the same song, you can’t go wrong. For someone with my pathetic lease on life, this is manna from Heaven. “Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer” is a close third. I would like Straight No Chaser to take a swing at this song. That could be worth the price of an iTunes download.

• I think jolly old St. Nick got it right with all of his ho, ho, ho’s. One can never have too many ho’s or ho ho’s for that matter.

• I am getting fat so I can be jolly. Why should fat people have all of the fun?

• National Lampoon’s “Christmas Vacation” is the best Christmas movie ever. Forget about bells and angels getting their wings and all of that sappy stuff. Clark Griswold, while getting locked in the attic, gets dressed up in his wife’s old clothes and watches old home movies and then falls through the ceiling. This is as classic as it gets. If I die and go to Heaven and this movie isn’t in the gated library, I’ll ask to leave.

• An anagram is a word that when mixed up forms another word. So, if debit card is an anagram for bad credit, does this mean that Father Christmas is an anagram for he’s fat, smart, rich? Probably not if he’s using a debit card. Perhaps he watched It’s a Wonderful Life for Wife, I lost real fund. That fits.

• That’s all I have to say. It’s Christmas and we’re all in misery. Go forth and be merry or marry Merry. Whatever suits your fancy. Next Christmas is only 364 shopping days away.


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