Hey, fans, here's what you need to know about Detroit

The Hawks are in! That’s the good news.

For any of you planning to attend the Super Bowl, I spent six weeks in Detroit summer before last. Thought I’d pass on a curmudgeon’s view in case you haven’t been there before.

If you rent a car, do not let the agency stick you with an import unless you have a particular desire to spend time in one of the area hospitals. Remember, you’re going to Motor City, not Rock City. I shouldn’t need to elaborate further.

Next, you need to be aware that Ford Field is on the edge of downtown Detroit. Depending upon the weather, the surrounding area either looks like a war zone or like a war zone buried in snow up to a giraffe’s derrière. Veterans of the Battle of the Bulge would instantly recognize the area.

If you’re a dreaded vegetarian, expect to be really hungry during your stay. Detroit’s only veggie restaurant boasts one table. And they don’t take reservations.

For meat eaters, a stop at one of the White Castle fast-food joints is mandatory. They offer boxes of miniature hamburgers. Locals refer to them as “sliders.” I carefully did not enquire why.

If you want to party, Greektown is near Ford Field. Or, think about going to Royal Oak or Birmingham. In any case, don’t tell folks you’re from Seattle. They’ll begin examining you for webs between your fingers. And some of them will ask where Seattle is.

Detroiters are generous, though. All of the mayor’s hundreds of friends and hangers-on are on the city payroll. A few of them are rumored to show up at their job once in a while.

Detroit does have a couple things going for it. Main arterials have names like Five Mile and Eight Mile, which tell you how far you are from downtown. That’s a lot better approach than names such as 3,276th Place Southeast. which we use in this area.

The best thing about Detroit is that my wife, Herself, hails from there. Don’t anybody show her this.

Go Seahawks!

Loren Fairman is a freelance humor writer living in the Federal Way-Kent area.

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