Lifestyle

My holiday pledge

As we all prepare to dive headlong into the frantic hubbub of the holiday season, I’ve reached some firm decisions. These convictions didn’t come lightly. But here they are. I don’t want to hear any snickering, either.

1. I will not allow the accumulating stress and pace to make me grumpy.

2. I will avoid all the people I don’t like, which includes pretty much everyone other than you and Herself.

3. I will not badger Herself into making a 55-gallon drum of redeye gravy for Thanksgiving.

4. I will cheerfully clean up the dining room and kitchen after our Thanksgiving feast.

5. I will not throw a fit at buying a Christmas tree two weeks before Thanksgiving.

6. I will not gush an entire string of bad words when asked to find all 137 boxes of Christmas decorations buried somewhere in our garage. This request, of course, will come immediately after I’ve cleaned up after Thanksgiving dinner.

7. I will begin Christmas shopping on December 23rd instead of waiting until 5 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Besides, it’s hard to find proper gifts at the neighborhood mini-mart.

8. I will get up early Christmas morning and prepare a fabulous breakfast for Herself.

9. I will not whine when Herself insists the Christmas tree remain up until we switch to daylight savings time.

10. Last –– and I’m quite serious about this –– I will steadfastly deny that I’m a congenital liar.

I think that covers everything I wanted to share with you.

I didn’t rise to the exalted level of an International Grand Master Curmudgeon by being a nice fellow.

Grumble.

Loren Fairman is a freelance humor writer living in the Federal Way-Kent area.

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