Goodbye Styrofoam, hello rice cakes

I was recently honored to be inducted (both of my friends might say indicted, but that’s an altogether different proceeding) as a Lifetime Grand Master into the Curmudgeon International Hall of Fame.

If any of you find yourselves grumpy most of the time, I urge you to consider becoming a card-carrying curmudgeon. We nurse pet peeves until we explode.

One of mine is Styrofoam peanuts, those small white horrors used as packing material.

Grumble. Fuss. Grimace.

The other day I received a box containing a couple of teapots I had ordered for Herself’s already-vast collection. The contents of the box, of course, were protected by the dreaded peanuts. The damn things are impossible to get rid of.

For one thing, they cling. To clothes. To the floor. To our pets. To the items we ordered and were looking forward to receiving.

Instead, we’re left dithering around, trying desperately to get rid of the stuff. I have some really pithy ideas where they should be put, but this is a family newspaper.

It’s time for a new paradigm. I propose that rice cakes should be used in place of Styrofoam.

Instead of filling our garbage cans with the foam, which will someday overwhelm every landfill on the planet, we could eat the packing material.

Rice cakes are low-fat, low-calorie and provide a satisfying crunch. The bad part, of course, is that they taste exactly like Styrofoam. But they’re good for us. We’d help the environment and lose weight at the same time. What could be better than that?

Does anyone know if they come in bacon cheeseburger flavor?

Loren Fairman is a freelance humor writer living in the Federal Way-Kent area.

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