Try something new this Valentine's Day: Be real

Once upon a time, there was a strong, handsome prince. One morning the prince was out on a horseback ride through the countryside when he discovered a lonely, distressed, beautiful princess imprisoned by a fire-breathing dragon. Unsheathing his sword, he slew the dragon that had been holding the princess captive.

The prince and princess stared deeply into each other’s eyes and knew it was love at first sight The princess who had once been miserably unhappy was now filled with love and gratitude toward her rescuer. The prince, realizing this was the woman meant to complete him, proposed at once They married (without a prenuptial agreement) and lived happily ever after as they rode off into the sunset. The end.

Now, I know that you are thinking this is only a fairytale relationship. Like all good fairytales, the ending can be wrapped in one sentence and everyone is happy (no Prozac needed). The problem is that, with Valentine’s Day looming around the corner, too many men and women are looking for a fairy tale romance in their own intimate relationships. Several basic myths need to be laid to rest.

Myth #1: Your partner (the dragonslayer) will rescue you from a life of unhappiness.

The truth is, once the rescue has been completed and the dust has settled-, you are responsible for your own happiness. No one should be burdened with providing or creating happiness for another person. That is a gift that you give yourself. If you were unhappy before you met the person of your dreams, more than not, you’ll remain unhappy with yourself even if you share happiness with another person. Eventually, the novelty of the relationship wears off, reality is no longer suspended, and the fact that he leaves his dirty socks around the house is not cute but infuriating. Do not rely on someone else for happiness; create those positive feelings for yourself.

Myth #2: The concept that your life will somehow be complete with the right person.

There is no such thing as romantic completion, because your heart was never disassembled in the first place. We are not empty souls roaming the earth in search of the one person who magically holds the missing piece that will make our life complete and meaningful. Thinking that there is only one “right” person in the world for each of us is romantic folly. Consider rationally how many people populate the world, and, out of that number, how many different people would you be emotionally compatible with, happy to spend time with? Obviously, there is more than one option. The trick is finding the right person, deciding who you want to make a commitment to and spend time with.

Myth #3: A romantic relationship will eliminate all feelings of loneliness.

Ideally, being in a healthy, loving relationship would eliminate most feelings of loneliness. However, even in the company of others, people may feel lonely. How many times have you found yourself at a gathering of family or friends, surrounded by people, only to feel lonely, even though you are far from alone? I realize that my example describes the company of family and friends, not your romantic partner, but even in our intimate relationships, it is possible to feel lonely. There are times in our intimate relationships or any relationship when we identify with feelings of loneliness.

In conclusion, this Valentine’s Day need not be a dismal disappointment or reminder of what you don’t have in your own romantic relationship. Rather, enjoy and celebrate time with the prince or princess in your own life. Don’t rely on Hollywood stereotypes for your would-be sweetheart. Instead, enjoy a quiet evening cuddling on the sofa with your spousal equivalent.

Or, if you haven’t identified that person, take a risk and introduce yourself to someone new, keeping in mind that your “dragonslayer” will not rescue you from your own unhappiness, complete you as a person or eliminate all feelings of loneliness.

Have fun this Valentine’s Day, and look beyond the expectations and myths that keep us polarized in our relationships with other people.

Jennifer L. Gray, Ph.D., who has written previously for the Mirror, makes her debut today as a columnist. She is a psychotherapist who provides individual, couple and family counseling. She can be reached at (253) 653-0168 or Psychotherapy Associates, Parklane Executive Center, 31620 23rd Ave. S., Suite 318, Federal Way, WA 98003.

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