How come I ain't gettin' no takers on mah goldern novel?

One or two of you may wonder what writers do.

Well, first of all, we’re as ornery as anyone else. For instance, people who write novels have to find a literary agent, who will then present their work to publishers.

The often grueling process begins with what is called a query letter. It is intended to give the agent a very brief overview of the novel in order to pique the agent’s interest and prompt him or her to ask for the manuscript. I’ve been scratching my head, wondering why I have received no positive replies to the following query.

“Dear Ms. Agent:

“Say, by cracky, I’ve wrote a goldern novel. It’s perty, good too.

“Has some characters, stuff happens, and they’s lotsa suspense.

“Since you’re an agent an’ ah’m a writer, why don’t we jist go ahead and hook up. I’ll write real good stuff. You sell it fer a buncha bucks. Ain’t nothin’ complicated about that, huh?

“My story, titled ‘Halfwits Rule,’ is a novel. But as you prolly already guessed, there’s a lot of my life right there in it. Not too much, though. I left out some of the truly ignernt stuff.

“Anyway, I know you’ll wanna read the entire 2,456,413-word mannyscript right away. So, instead of waiting for your reply to this here query, I have gone ahead and enclosed it. That’s why you heard a dump truck back up outside your office this morning.

“It’ll be fun workin’ with ya’. Oh, ah should tell you that I been so focused on scribblin’ my book that all my friends have up an’ abandoned me. Guess that means you and me are gonna git to be real tight. I need a friend. Writin’s daing tough work.

“Well, you take care now. Call me as quick as you finish my masterpiece. Ya’ hear!?

“Your gonna be excited as all git out.

“I live in a little town name of Screwball Junction. It’s just across the valley from Lord Help Me, which ah’m sure you’ve heard of. (In fact, you may be thinkin’ that right now.) Call anybuddy in these parts, they’ll tell you I war born to write. You betcha!

“Do you like mesquite-flavored corn likker? I can send you a case overnight if that would help seal the deal.

“I almost fergot to tell you I have some of that Scandahoovian blood in me. Sometimes I yodel. That should help you git me on ‘Oprah’ to promote Halfwits Rule.

“Best regards,

“Eldon Thurgoodmunson.”

Herself is confident that the above explains why agents avoid me like the bubonic plague. I think she’s being a little harsh. Don’t you?

Loren Fairman is one of them freelance humor writers livin’ yonder in the Federal Way area.

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