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Doggie talk in Federal Way | Funny Bones

I was pleased to discover that I could understand dog talk.

I listened shamelessly to a conversation my black lab was having with the neighbor’s sheltie.

“Doesn’t it seem unfair to you that every human has a nice warm, clean and, most important, private place to go when they need to pass waste?” Blackie asked. “While you and I, full grown, responsible adults, are expected to do our thing, in the cold of winter or heat of summer, rain or snow, right out in the middle of the yard in full view of God and everybody else.”

“I don’t know about you,” the sheltie replied, “but lots of the time my human stands and watches, like it was some erotic adventure! Even worse, have they ever taken you over to that Doggie Park Bad enough to go in your own yard, now they expect you to join a mob of mixed breed mutts and do what? Go in unison? What, no music? Then it’s ‘have a nice romp!’ Oh you bet! Have a nice romp and you’ll come back with your toes full of you-know-what.”

“What I will never understand,” Blackie said, “and find really revolting, is when your human follows along behind you and scoops up your deposits and saves it in a baggie.”

“Disgusting,” the sheltie agreed, grimacing. “What in the world do you suppose they want with it?”

“Gross!” Blackie agreed. “I don’t even like to think about it. What about that business that we are ‘marking our territory?’ Humans can take all the time they want to pass water inside their nice private rooms, while you and I are supposed to do it standing on three legs, out in the cold while they watch. Jeez, I hate that. Would it be too much to ask that they turn their backs, or at least not stare?”

“And how about when they yank on your leash to hurry you up,” the sheltie replied. “Marking our territory – fools! I hope they all have enlarged prostates when they get to be my age. Oh God, here comes my human, and I haven’t done my duty. I better get busy. Wouldn’t want her going home empty-handed.”

“Make her proud,” Blackie shouted. “I’ll catch up with you later. Maybe we can do a few garbage cans.”

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